I miss you Timothy Olyphant

What happens to all the stuff that doesn’t neatly fit into a baseball post, The Junkball 10, Dead Celebrity Friday, the occasional happy birthday salute or a random standalone blog entry? It gets served up as Mental Leftovers …

* Someday I’m actually going to watch Season 2 of “Justified.”  I have no idea when or how that’s going to happen now that I have two kids and I don’t get to take a deep breath and relax until 10 or 10:30 at night but it will happen.  I miss my weekly “Justified” fix.

* I realized something while eating a bagel breakfast sandwich with cheese at work one morning: I basically hate American cheese.  I’m not even a big fan of apple pie.  Does that make me some sort of culinary Commie?

* Until my kids came along running errands on the weekend was an utterly mundane and totally annoying experience.  But now it’s a blast going out just to watch them experience the world.  I actually look forward to going to a store with my family and if you knew how much I hate shopping you would understand how crazy that is.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned while grocery shopping with my son it’s that the Ranch 99 Asian market is definitely the Disneyland of grocery stores in his eyes.  That little guy could enthusiastically check out the live fish in the meat department all day long.

* One more note on shopping with the fam: Almost every weekly trip out for groceries ends with me taking our son to the pet store next door to Trader Joe’s while my wife waits in line to pay for everything.  And a trip to the pet store can only mean one thing: My boy gleefully lounging in a dog bed while people walk by looking at us like we’re totally nuts/totally cute.

That naturally leads me to thinking about all the stuff in a pet store that could be used to raise kids if you were crazy enough to try it.  A crate could double as a crib, pet toys aren’t much different from kid toys, water and food dishes could really be used to feed anyone and a leash isn’t much different from one of these things.

* Speaking of the Eddie Bauer Harness Buddy – Monkey, my wife bought one and when we finally tried it out on my son one weekend while we were running errands I got the distinct feeling that we’ll never use it again.

What has me ready to throw in the towel?  Maybe it was when he screamed like a banshee while my wife strapped him in.  Maybe it’s the fact that when we gave him a chance to walk around with us holding the monkey’s tail/leash he desperately spun around and ask me to carry him.  Maybe it’s the way he was begging us to get contraption off his back after about 10 minutes.

I don’t think I’ve seen anyone that happy to get a monkey off their back since Steve Young led the 49ers past the Chargers in the Super Bowl.

* That reminds me: I really miss the 49ers being good.  C’mon Jim Harbaugh, the 49ers Faithful are counting on you to turn things around.

* I posted a Facebook update that my son got his head stuck in a pet carrier after we brought our cat home from the vet and then I posted an update several days later that he almost got mounted by a dog at a birthday party for my friend’s son … and then it hit me: What if Child Protective Services is lurking around online checking up on parents and their status updates?  I don’t think they’d find any of the things that happened to my little man as funny as I do.

Please note that each incident barely lasted a second (at the most) and he came out of each one perfectly fine.

* Like reading about fat people trying to get thin?  OK, I didn’t think so.  But if you happen to get bored feel free to check out my side project, The Beer Gut Chronicles.  The battle of the bulge is on and I’m blogging all about it.

*  I’ll admit that I watch a lot of HGTV with my wife.  It’s mindless, mildly entertaining TV that’s perfect viewing at night when you’re wiped out from keeping up with a toddler and an infant.

After watching way too many home buyer shows I have to wonder why any first timer would appear on anything other than “My First Place.”  At the end of the show every buyer gets some cool free stuff for their new home. Why waste your time on “House Hunters” or “Property Virgins?”

I’m still a little annoyed that we didn’t go on “My First Place” several years ago when we were house hunting.

* One more thing that’s stuck in my head after watching too much HGTV:  Why the heck does HGTV have three home buying shows that are all basically the same show?

* That damn Fabio birthday post never pulled in a boatload of search engine hits.  I’m still amazed at how many hits my tributes to Sophie Marceau and Markie Post continue to bring in.  God bless all the perverts on the Internet!

* I think I’m on the verge of losing almost all my credibility as a sports fan.

At the height of my sports fandom when I was single I worked in a newspaper sports department watching games all day,  I played in a ton of fantasy sports leagues, had A’s season tickets and went to spring training every year.

Now that I have two kids?

I barely watched a minute of March Madness and I haven’t watched any of the NHL or NBA playoffs and I only play in a couple of fantasy baseball leagues.  I barely have a chance to watch a few innings of an A’s game nowadays.

It’s just a matter of time before I have almost no idea what’s happening on the Bay Area sports scene and I’m only qualified to make small talk about Sesame Street and The Backyardigans.

*  I may have struck free lunch gold with my latest cheapskate idea.

While B.S.ing with some friends at work about how it’s great to sign up for e-mails from restaurants because there’s almost always a birthday deal involved it hit me: Why not sign up with a bunch of restaurants and give each of them a different date for my birthday?  It’s an easy way to get some free grub every month of the year.

Have you ever been shaken down for your ID at a restaurant when people set you up for a free birthday dessert?  I didn’t think so.  Even if I get busted with my lunch scam a couple of times what’s the worst thing that could happen?  No one ever got thrown in jail for accepting a free burger or piece of cake, right?

I sure hope not …

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