I want a warm glass of milk and a nice, long nap

For some bizarre reason I’ve recently been catching myself feeling tired and old a little more often than I would like to admit.

I know, that’s pretty ridiculous for someone in their mid-30s to say and it’s hard to put my finger on why the topic of feeling old and creaky is gnawing away at me but I have some theories:

Maybe it’s the fact that I’m busy chasing around my 18-month-old son most of the time, I have another baby on the way and a sciatica-ravaged wife who needs more help around the house than ever.

Maybe it’s the bad back that required a month of physical therapy and still needs a lot of stretching all week just so I can avoid constant discomfort.  

Maybe it’s the plantar fasciitis that always seems to flare up and makes me move painfully slow.

Maybe it’s the 20 pounds of fat that attacked my gut over the past decade and the 5 pounds of flab that decided to set up camp on the part of my body formerly known as my neck.   

The combination of all these things usually leaves me running on empty before 8 p.m. on most nights which makes me think I have more in common with senior citizens in nursing homes than with most people my own age.

How long before I’m wearing Depend and eating soft foods with my shiny new dentures?  For the moment I still have my real teeth right but at this pace I’ll be stocking up on Poligrip in no time.

Of course, the clear solution to this whole feeling old and rundown thing is to quit whining about it, get off my ass and get in shape so I have more gas in my tank.

If I spent even 10 percent of the time I’ve committed to this blog over the years and simply replaced it with running in place or doing some jumping jacks I’d probably be at least 10 pounds lighter and full of energy because that probably would have opened the door to a lot more activity.

But that would take a long-term commitment of time and effort on my part which clearly isn’t my thing when it comes to self improvement.

No, I’ll just stick to what I know because I’m lazy and I’m convinced that blogging burns at least a handful of calories.

So what are some of the things that have been popping up recently to make me feel like I’m rolling downhill toward the nursing home at breakneck speed?

* Getting winded after running around the house with my son for several minutes makes me feel like a senile invalid when I realize that I literally used to be able to run around and ride my bike all day when I was a kid.

* When I was in my 20s I’d go out for a walk or jog with my dog but now that I’m in my mid-30s I just want to veg out on my couch with my cat.  There’s something sad and lazy about that.

* My wife and I went out for a nice late dinner last week for our anniversary and by the time we got home at close to 11 p.m. I was ready to hit the sack.  In my 20s the night was just getting started at 11.  How long before I’m having a warm glass of milk before going to bed at 8:30?

* I’ve become that old guy in the neighborhood chasing kids off his property.  OK, it only happened once and I was really nice about it but the bottom line is it happened and it seems like the kind of thing only an old coot does.

* When I was in my 20s I drove like a madman (some people would say I still do) but now I get annoyed when I see someone driving a little too fast or recklessly.  That has to be a sign that I’m getting old.

* Every now and then when I see a photo of myself from around the time I was in college I get the feeling that I currently look like I ate that kid, washed him down with a case of beer and had a couple of birthday cakes for dessert.  I’ve become a middle-aged fat guy and I’m moving a little slower and looking a little older every day.

* I own the Atari 2600 I had when I was a kid and I still think it’s kind of cool. I even cling to an absurd idea that it may be worth a lot of money someday even though I barely got $40 for a used Xbox and a ton of games earlier this year.  If owning an original Atari 2600 doesn’t show you have some miles on you I don’t know what does.

* Another blast from the past that shows I’m a dinosaur: I still listen to cassette tapes.

* Want more?  I still own a Battle of the Bay and Dream Team T-shirt.  I’d be kind of amused if I had a chance to get a hold of an old Members Only jacket and I’m actually a little surprised that I don’t have one buried in my closet.  I still own Garbage Pail Kids cards … and it’s not by accident either.  I made it a point to keep them when I was clearing out space for two nurseries over the past two years.  I’m getting older in a hurry but I’m not really getting any more mature than I was when I was in my teens.

* It totally makes me feel old when my wife blogs about the fact that for a few weeks she was a 23-year-old intern and I was a 30-year-old old staffer at the newspaper we worked at.

* Patiently waiting out another A’s dry spell makes me feel old.  They aways have a several-year run of glory before sinking into rebuilding mode and they’re at it again but this one is a lot harder to wait out than any of the other runs of futility.  I have an odd feeling that I don’t really have the time to keep riding out rebuilding projects and enjoy the results even though they eventually pay off.

* The fact that I used to have a blast at my grandparents’ house when I was a kid and now my grandfather has recently passed away and my grandmother is really slowing down as she slips into her late 80s makes me realize I have more miles on my tires than I realize.

* I have no idea who half the people are in the SF Gate’s Celebrity Dish.  If I’m this out of touch with current pop culture I must be getting old.  At this pace I’m going to be the dorky, oddball, totally unhip dad who embarasses his kids when I try to be cool and use a catchphrase or pop culture reference that’s 10 years behind the times.   I’ll probably say “Gettin’ jiggy with it” or “Who let the dogs out?” around my kids friends and scar them for life.

Contemplating the fact that smart phones probably have more computing power than the PC I grew up with makes me feel like a thawed out ice man living in modern times.  Remembering when pagers, bulky cell phones and text-based web browsing and bulletin boards were big makes me feel like a dinosaur too.

* The fact that a young co-worker says she can’t remember the 49ers ever being good reminds me how long they’ve been crappy and makes me feel like an insane old person rambling on and on about the glory days.

* Watching old episodes of Star Trek and realizing that my crappy flip cell phone is a lot like Captain Kirk’s communicator (and thinking that’s kind of awesome) makes me feel like an old codger amazed by newfangled tech.

* A part of me cringes at the idea of my first back-to-school night or my first team meeting for whatever sport my kids decide to try first.  I have a sinking feeling that I’m going be the oldest looking dude in the room, surrounded by a bunch of spry 20-something parents wondering why it appears that my child’s grandfather showed up instead of his dad.

* Realizing that I’ve been a lust-filled fan of Alyssa Milano for more than two decades makes me feel like an ancient pervert.

* Watching “Blue Bloods” and knowing that the show has the oldest fans on TV must mean I’m getting old.

Watching “Men of a Certain Age” and being mildly entertained is a sure-fire sign that I’m slowing down.  It’s actually a little depressing that I have more in common with Andre Braugher’s character than with anyone else on the show.  Dull family guy?  Check.  Out of shape?  Check.  Sleep apnea.  Check.  

I’m going to go cry into a warm glass of milk now and take a nap because I’m suddenly feeling very sad and really sleepy.

Old people take naps in the middle of the day don’t they?

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