I’ll Tumblr for ya

In case you didn’t notice the updated profile text blurb, there’s a new spot on the Internet where the vast hordes of readers who follow this blog and Twitter feed can find more content to satisfy their appetite for the absurd.

Considering the fact that the only person who probably follows this blog regularly is my wife I wonder if I’m going to be in hot water for calling her a horde?  Oh well, at least I didn’t call her a filthy horde.

Getting back on topic, the new home for additional babbling from me is The World’s Greatest Blog, ETC. over at Tumblr.  Just stop by twgbetc.tumblr.com when you have a chance.

What’s over at TWGB, ETC. on Tumblr you ask? (OK, who am I kidding? No one’s actually reading any of this are they?)

As the tag line on the Tumblr site says its a weekday home to all the odd, random content that’s not quite fleshed out enough for this blog and a little too bloated for the Twitter feed.

The more I think about it the more it seems like a TWGB outlet store but trust me, I’ll try to make it more fun than driving to the middle of nowhere to hit an outlet mall.

Feel free to drop by when you have a chance twgbetc.tumblr.com.

In the meantime, enjoy Culture Club’s “I’ll Tumble 4 Ya” http://s0.ilike.com/play#Culture+Club:I%27ll+Tumble+4+Ya:33117:s819007.9639819.818143.0.2.44%2Cstd_fedcc6d753c84bb4b0505e8b7e36d5eb

You’re one seriously bad mofo Sam Jackson & I dig your hair

Time for a quick run through some of the odd, random thoughts that have been bouncing around my head for the past week or so. 

An optimist would say my head is half full but anyone who knows me well would beg to differ …

* My goatee recently died in a tragic, heart-breaking trimming accident.

One of these days I’m going to learn to just leave my facial hair alone because every goatee I’ve ever had has died the same way.
What starts out as a bored attempt to clean and even up my facial hair ends up turning my goatee into a lopsided mess that gets buzzed off in a fit of frustration.
What a waste of months and months of Rogaine.
Next time I’m going to buy this thing and take the thinking out of goatee trimming http://www.amazon.com/GoateeSaver-GTS-1001/dp/B001F2B3P8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=hpc&qid=1282063547&sr=1-1
* Stumbled across “Pulp Fiction” late one night on IFC the other day and the main thing I remember from seeing the premiere in the theater is that I spent the first 5 minutes laughing at Samuel L. Jackson’s hair and facial fuzz.
That’s an awesome look and I wish I could pull it off.
* One more movie I came across while channel surfing by moonlight: “The Adventures of Ford Fairlane.”
How the hell did Andrew Dice Clay ever get his own movie?
It seemed ridiculous in 1990 and it seems even more absurd today. 
Diceman must have had one hell of an agent back then to squeeze a movie out of Dice’s 15 minutes of fame.
* Speaking of 15 minutes of fame, where the hell did Arsenio Hall go?
His name popped up at work the other day when someone made a bad joke about “Things That Make You Go Hmmmmm” (actually, is there a good joke about that?) which led to equally bad jokes about the “Dog Pound.”
That naturally led me to YouTube to find Arsenio interviewing heavyweight guests Vanilla Ice and Milli Vanilli on his late night talk show (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7klcNEnwshM and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_hJvsteI50&feature=related).
You’d think Tyler Perry could throw Arsenio a bone and give him a role in one of his two dozen mediocre sitcoms on TBS.
* I recently needed a little clarification on some family issues involving a mutual acquaintance so I asked my wife to “do your usual sweet, innocently sneaky thing and glean some information” for me.  

I wonder if she’s offended that I think she’s sneaky in a sweet, innocent way?

* Fall is around the corner which means the NFL regular season is about to kick off and for the first time in years I’m not playing fantasy football.
I decided to punt on joining my usual league as part of my ongoing effort to find more time to keep up with this whole parenting gig I got into about a year and a half ago.
It feels really strange to know that I’ll actually have a lot of free time once fantasy baseball season wraps up.
The writing was on the wall for the end of my fantasy football career when I spent my live draft last season in front of a laptop with a screaming infant in one arm while frantically flipping through my Sports Illustrated NFL season preview.
I drafted Larry Johnson and if that doesn’t tell a man it’s time to hang up the fantasy cleats I don’t know what is.
* Remember that whole diet thing?  Forget about it because it’s deader than dead at this point.
I’m not even trying anymore, it’s pretty pathetic when you get right down to it.
I think I’ll hop on the bathroom scale soon just to amuse myself and see how many pounds have globbed onto me since I did a hard, swift faceplant off the wagon.
It hurt, but at least my flab cushioned the fall.
* Speaking of my diet biting the dust, I fully expect to have a heart attack in about a year because I recently found out that In-N-Out Burger is coming to town soon.
They’re planning to set up shop in Pleasant Hill, a short drive from where I work and right across the parking lot from Toys R Us/Babies R Us.
Are the trying to kill me?
Aside from opening a restaurant in my driveway is there a more dangerous location to put an In-N-Out Burger?
I’ll apologize to my pallbearers right now: Sorry guys, but the temptation was too great and I just couldn’t lay off the animal style double-doubles.
* Now that I’m within shouting distance of having a second child I can say for certain that diaper bags are one big scam.
I’ve seen my wife eyeballing diaper bags at Babies R Us for a couple of months even though we already have two.
The search for the perfect diaper bag never seems to end and I just don’t understand what’s so special about them.
They’re just glorified backpacks and messenger bags.  

The price of anything seems to go up by at least 25 percent as soon as you associate it with a baby.

It’s almost as bad as the markup on anything related to a wedding.  

A generic cake on its own is affordable but as soon as you call it a “wedding cake” the price seems to skyrocket.  

Who says you can’t put  a price on love?

I recently hit Ross on my lunch break and snagged a backpack for $20 that I thought had a chance to be “The One.”  

You know, the diaper bag to end all diaper bags.

I know, fat chance. 
Sure enough, my wife looked it over and it didn’t pass the test.
Luckily, she knows exactly what she wants and it’s a $100 diaper bag with a matching purse.
I love her, but she’s one fiendishly clever little lady.
You see, she has what I call an obsession with purses and it’s been a long time since she bought one.  Our budget is tight and she’s tried to be good.
But she clearly knows that I’m a sucker for spending money on anything related to our kids and this chic diaper bag is obviously part of her evil plan to squeeze a new purse out of something baby related.
I know you’re reading this woman and I’m on to you.

My secret life as dull-as-dirt A’s manager Bob Geren

It’s time to let the cat out of the bag: For one glorious month I was the manager of the Oakland A’s.

That’s right, I was Bob Geren on Twitter and Facebook … until my accounts were unceremoniously suspended.

Apparently Twitter and Facebook have something against impersonating people.

How lame is that?

If a schmuck like me wants to impersonate a schmuck like Bob Geren and become friends with a bunch of schmucks online what’s the problem with that?

Since when is a little stupidity between consenting dorks against the law?

If you think it’s weird to impersonate Bob Geren online I won’t argue with you.  Sometimes when I’m bored I get an odd idea that amuses me a little too much and I run way too far with it.

But I think it’s a lot weirder to enthusiastically be friends with a clearly fake Bob Geren.

Don’t get me wrong, a ton of people I met online as Bob Geren were probably just fans with a good sense of humor but a handful of them just didn’t get it and took their online relationship with the A’s skipper a little too seriously.

People would often send me enthusiastic messages and chat requests when I would hop online as Oakland’s fearless, and mostly clueless, leader.

I mean, would Geren really publicly say, “Note to self: Less Minesweeper, more managing” after a tough loss?  I don’t think so.

Now that my accounts have been suspended I’ll no longer be able to reach out to the loyal fans of Bob Geren with Tweets like these:

Nice to get back on track with a win today against Texas but who the hell is Tyler F’ing Teagarden? Steroids are banned now, right? WTF?

Mmmmmmmmmmm, Bud Light Lime! Always so cool and refreshing after playing some winning GerenBall.

Ran into Philip Seymour Hoffman (aka Art Howe in Moneyball) and he’s a real baseball expert! He knows more about double switches than I do.

I wonder when I’m going to get my own bobblehead day? I’m pretty sure I’m going to outlast Connie Mack in this gig.”

If anyone’s wondering what it’ll take for the Oakland A’s to get back on a win streak I have one word for you: GerenBall!”

Enjoying a rare day off at home with my good friends Mr. Pickles and Judge Judy. She’s a mean old broad, isn’t she?”

Note to self: Do what Billy said and remember lessons from “Moneyball.” Be like Art Howe, stand at top step of dugout, look intense.”

I’ll miss getting into a Geren state of mind and extolling the virtues of Matt Watson, Matt Carson, Gabe Gross, Daric Barton’s bunting and the sweet, refreshing taste of Bud Light Lime after a big win.

To be perfectly honest, It’s a little annoying to get kicked off of Twitter and Facebook for impersonating Bob Geren while he gets to impersonate a Major League manager for 162 games a year with total job security.

When it was all said and done I think I was a lot more entertaining than the real Bob Geren — not that there’s much of a challenge to pull that off.

Nothing says home sweet home like Han Solo in carbonite

Checking in with this week’s rambling thoughts …

* I’ll admit that the fact that I shop around online for stuff like this http://www.cardsnstuff.com/servlet/the-5753/Star-Wars-Miniatures-The/Detail is a clear sign that I need help.  
I just got done clearing out an entire room of crap and I turn right around and start shopping for more crap.
I think it would be a very nice addition to our living room.
* My vote for worst office smell is microwaved leftover fish at lunch, hands down.  
It’s horrible, putrid, an absolute nightmare odor and it has to be stopped.  Someone at my office regularly nukes fish in the break room and it makes the entire side of the building smell like the bay at low tide. 
Awful, just awful.
* Fun to see on my commute: The lady with the “I Love My Big TaTa’s” bumper sticker. 
I’ve never gotten a look at her but I’m obviously intrigued. 
* Bad to see on my commute: A driver in front of me with a back window full of stuffed animals. 
It seems like that always means an automatic drop to 10 mph under the speed limit and a kiss goodbye to any shot at getting through an upcoming yellow light.

* I salute Joey Greco of “Cheaters.”  
I have no idea how he does his absurd job with a straight face.  
The rat bastard may chum for sharks at the shallow end of the gene pool but the guy deserves an Emmy for pretending he takes all that B.S. seriously.  

* I am absolutely living my life on Parent Time which seems to be just a tick slower than the speed of light.   
It feels like just yesterday that I was dragging my way through a Monday that was taking forever and now the weekend is on my doorstep.  
At this pace my wife’s December due date will be here in no time.
* Little known fact about the 2002 Toyota Highlander: It has the most sensitive horn on the planet. I’ve probably pissed off two or three dozen people in less than a year of ownership just by lightly bumping the steering wheel. 
* Awesome feature on the 2002 Highlander: A tape deck.  All those cassette tapes I’ve had store away since the ’80s?  They’re back and I’m rockin’ it old school on my drive to work.
* FYI to anyone at a restaurant who gives a wary glare in my family’s direction when we come in and sit down at a table next to you with my 16-month-old son: You could do worse. A lot worse.
The more time I spend around my son at restaurants the more impressed I am.  Sure, there’s the occasional yelp or scream but overall he’s a really quiet kid when we’re out in public.  He just chills out, eats his food, plays with his toys and watches the world go by.
I’ve had the bad luck plenty of times of being stuck next to a table full of cranks whining about service and food; stupid, chirpy, empty-headed high school girls; and loud, obnoxious drunks and I can guarantee you that I’d pay real money to be seated next to a kid like mine any day of the week. 
* Note to A’s manager Bob Geren: Is it really that hard to make a lineup that doesn’t have Daric Barton (aka Scott Hatteberg Lite) batting second? Speedster Rajai Davis is really the man you want buried in the middle of the lineup hitting seventh? 
No wonder your Twitter account @Bobgeren was suspended, what could you possibly have to say in your defense?
The easiest and most sensible thing in the world to do is to move Davis to No. 2 and Barton to No. 3 in the lineup.
With Coco Crisp, Davis and Barton at the top of the lineup you have speed and on-base percentage loaded up in front of Kurt Suzuki, Kevin Kouzmanoff and Jack Cust.
Wild and crazy idea isn’t it Bob?
I can’t wait for Don Wakamatsu to get your job in the offseason.
Have fun in your new career fetching lunch and dry cleaning as Super Special Assistant to Billy Beane.
I think you just might be slow enough on the uptake to think you got a promotion.
* One more on the A’s in case anyone with any clout in the A’s organization is reading this blog: Keep Chris Carter in the bigs.  
Sure, he’s going to boot the ball in the outfield and he’ll strikeout at a rate that puts Jack Cust to shame but the time is now to get the learning curve out of the way.  
Carter always seemed to struggle each time he moved up a level in the minors but he also always seemed to go on a tear as soon as he got his feet wet.
This season is a lost cause, don’t waste any more at bats on Matt Watson, Matt Carson or Gabe Gross.
The sooner Carter gets used to big league pitching the better.
 
Why squander the early part of next season when the A’s may actually be ready to make a dark-horse run at the AL West crown?

* No more pretending I give a damn about weight loss and no more half-assing with the horrible crap I eat.

Time to hit the gas pedal on the road to self destruction and eat this at every freakin’ meal: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/hottopics/index

See ya in the next life. 

* I love my wife to bits but she amuses the hell out of me sometimes.
Just the other day before heading out to go grocery shopping she asked me to do some work around the house and led into her request with, “If you’re so motivated could you please …”
I’m a lot of things but motivated to do household chores is definitely not one of them.
She’s so darn cute when she says things like that.

Tom Petty was right, the weighing is the hardest part

 Aug. 6 is here which means I am officially one month removed from publicly taking the fight to my expanding waist band.

I hopped on the bathroom scale and the results are in.


Drum roll please: I have lost a whopping .2 pounds!

That’s impressive. 

Impressively pathetic.

Oh, did I mention that I’m posting this while eating a slice of leftover pizza for breakfast?

At this point I’ve kind of become a rudderless ship drifting aimlessly through a sea of fat. 

As I mentioned earlier I failed to weigh myself in July so I’m using a weight I noted in June as my baseline.  

On one hand, if I gained weight from June to July then my weight loss could be a lot more than .2 pounds. That would be awesome.

On the other hand, if I lost weight between June and July then I actually gained weight during the one month I was trying to lose weight.  That’s a scary thought.

So, what went wrong? Let’s take a look at the admittedly weak game plan I laid out in July:

Portion control — This was a major component of the plan because it looked incredibly easy to accomplish. Push the plate away, how hard could that be? 

Well, after a couple of weeks of being good I fell back into the same old habits of coming home from work starving and then shoving everything on my dinner plate into my face.

Make healthier choices when I eat out — That one lasted for a couple of weeks too.  A man can only eat so many chicken sandwiches with side salads before he says, “The hell with it, get me a cheeseburger with fries damnit!”  

It also doesn’t help that I’m one of those stubborn, idiotic guys who just can’t bring himself to order a salad for lunch or dinner.

Exercise at least a little bit — I won’t even pretend this lasted for a couple of weeks because the truth is that it never happened at all. 
Not much of a surprise since this is the one thing that was part of my plan that really takes a commitment of time and effort.

The layer of dust on my elliptical trainer is a little thicker now than it was a month ago … just like my waist.

Clearly, apathy and procrastination are a dangerous combination in the diet game.  

Time to waddle back to the drawing board.