I have a great excuse for disappearing from this site for several weeks: The rugrat arrived.
My son finally made his world debut on April 19 and life has been a sleepless whirlwind ever since.
I don't know where first-time parents find the time and energy to blog much less Twitter, but here's what little I could wring out of my sleep-deprived brain:
* Weekend heat wave + worthless over-the-hill air conditioner = One really unhappy baby.
* It didn't take long to realize how painfully naive I was heading into this crazy parenthood thing. For nine months I was enthusiastically looking forward to welcoming the kid into our world but by now it's become perfectly clear that I'm in the baby's world now. Eating? Sleeping? It only happens when the kid allows it to happen … if the kid allows it to happen. But he's so cute that I'll just roll with the punches and see what he has in store for me.
* I have realized that poo is funny again. Maybe it's just because I'm so tired that I can't really grasp clever, witty humor anymore but there's suddenly something hilarious about my kid burping and farting up a storm while filling his diaper with a surprised, terrified look on his chubby little face. At least one male in this house can get away with farting and acting like someone else did it. I'm jealous of the little guy.
* All my friends with children warned me that I'd never sleep again. That was an understatement. But they also said that the baby makes it all worth it which is also shaping up to be an understatement so it kind of balances out. I love my little son but I also really miss sleeping. I'd dream about getting a good night's sleep if I could only find the time to snooze long enough to have a dream. I'm not counting on that happening any time soon.
* When my wife and I take the kid out for a walk in the stroller we look like a vibrant, happy family in my mind's eye. But we're so burned out from the lack of sleep we've been getting that we probably look more like the living dead attacking suburbia.
* Naps just don't work for me. Parents, doctors and nurses have all given the advice to nap when the baby is sleeping. Only problem with that idea is that I've never really been able to nap and even if I could who would take care of everything non-baby related in my life? My maid? My man servant? My small army of Third World child laborers? Unfortunately, taking naps isn't magically going to get the house cleaned and the bills paid.
* Speaking of poo … man, is baby dung colorful stuff! Green, yellow, orange — it's just bizarre and oddly amusing. It's like my kid's butt is a kaleidoscope of poop.
* The rugrat had to spend a week in intensive care and now that I've seen an invoice from the hospital it has me casually wondering whether hospitals and health insurance companies can repossess babies. I hope not because the medical bills are going to hit us like a bomb and we don't have a spare bedroom stuffed full of cash to cover all the expenses. I guess the rugrat's college education just went up in smoke. I'll just do my best to raise a well-mannered, law-abiding ditch digger.
* I've come to realize that my wardrobe sucks compared to my son's. He isn't even a month old and he has more clothes than I do. Then again, if I pooped my way through a few outfits a day like he does I'd probably make it a point to do a better job stocking my dresser with lots of clothes.
* I finally have a family so why am I eating like I'm single? I've been consuming way too much frozen and fast food ever since I became a parent. But these days any meal that doesn't require much time or effort on my part looks great. Does any of it taste great? No, not even close but I'm learning to love microwavable chicken nuggets. If that doesn't scream "sleep-deprived insanity" I don't know what does.
* What happened to my house? Baby stuff has come out of the woodwork around here. I know it was here before he was born but now it seems like everywhere I look there's a bouncy chair, a swing, a bottle, pacifiers, blankets, breast feeding support pillows, baby monitors, etc. You name it and I've sat on it, stepped on it or tripped over it since April 19.
* Seriously, I really can't stop talking about poo. My son screams his head off when he has a dirty diaper but he seems to scream even louder when I put a clean diaper on him. I still can't wrap my head around that one. One of these days I'm going to figure this kid out.