Thanks to this article (http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2009/02/09/DDJ215H812.DTL&hw=menopause&sn=001&sc=1000) in the San Francisco Chronicle this week I have seen the light and diagnosed myself with male menopause.
I have joked with my wife in some of my crankier moments over the years that I'm "man-strating," a curious condition born in my twisted imagination that is similar to menstruating — minus all the bleeding — where a week of irrational moodiness and crankiness is scattered into seven random days every month.
I have also been been kidding with my wife for years that someday I'm going to go through "man-opause" so we should have a kid ASAP before I start firing blanks.
That line of malarkey must have worked to a certain degree because we're expecting our first kid soon.
But I always thought I was making all that stuff up for a cheap laugh or a frustrated roll of my wife's eyes.
Turns out male menopause is real and I think I've fallen victim to its ruthless, iron-tight grip.
According to Jed Diamond, male menopause can manifest itself in the form of stress and irritable mood swings, restlessness, difficulty sleeping and weight gain.
I looked down that list while reading the Chron's article and thought to myself, "Check, check, check, check and check .. uh oh, I'm in big trouble."
I even took the Irritable Male Syndrome Quiz at http://www.theirritablemale.com/quiz.htm and scored 81 which is a bad sign because a score of 76 or higher means you're afflicted with Irritable Male Syndrome.
The truly frightening thing is I think I've been going through "man-opause" for about 10 years because I can't remember the last time I wasn't fat, tired and cranky.
So what now?
Am I going to start having hot flashes or something?
I better get to a doctor fast.
* WAIT, IT GETS WORSE: I received the weekly e-mail I subscribe to from PregnancyWeekly.com to stay up to date on the progress of my wife's pregnancy yesterday and after reading it I think male menopause may be the least of my problems.
Here's what PregnancyWeekly.com had to tell me this week:
What, hot flashes weren't enough? Now I'm going to have to deal with leaking nipples too?
What a mess.