I’ll miss you … you rotten bastard!

If you're a fan of FX's cop drama "The Shield" you're probably still reeling from the series finale last night.

Blood was shed and lives were shattered in the typically tense, shocking, entertaining fashion "The Shield" has established over the past seven seasons.

Personally, I'll miss that sick, rotten, twisted bastard Vic Mackey.  I don't think I've ever rooted so much for a bad guy.

I won't play spoiler here for those of you who haven't had a chance to see the series finale, but I will say that the end was satisfying and beat the empty way "The Sopranos" was put to bed.

There was no sudden fade to black in last night's episode of "The Shield."

But could the show have ended differently?  Of course it could have. And TV Guide offers inspiration for how things could have played out.

I was surprised to read today at TVGuide.com (http://www.tvguide.com/News/Shield-Shawn-Ryan-1000235.aspx?rss=breakingnews&partnerid=imdb&profileid=01) that the creator of "The Shield," Shawn Ryan, is developing a sitcom for Fox.  I can't imagine that the mind behind one of the most brutal, dark dramas in television history is going to turn around and play it for laughs for one of the major networks, but it looks like that's exactly what's in the works.

So forget a Scooby-Doo or a "Thelma & Louise" ending for "The Shield," what we need is a sitcom sendoff for Mackey and Friends.

Ryan should have tapped his surprising secret passion for sitcoms and taken a page out of the book from "Newhart."

If Bob Newhart could wake up back in "The Bob Newhart Show" to discover that "Newhart" was all just a bad dream why couldn't Michael Chiklis wake up as his former soft, fuzzy and pudgy self in "The Commish" and realize his time on "The Shield" was just a horrible nightmare?

I guess we'll all just have to wait and see what a Shawn Ryan sitcom will look like when "Millionaires' Club" debuts on Fox one of these days.  It should be interesting and hopefully it'll be as twisted, entertaining and memorable as "The Shield."


Indigestion, it’s what’s for breakfast!

The culinary visionaries at 7-Eleven have done it again.

They've built on the momentum of the thoroughly disgusting Cheeseburger Bite and brought their groundbreaking touch to the first meal of the day.

Behold the Fiesta Morning Bite!

The $2.49 Fiesta Morning Bite "combines delicious sausage, eggs, cheese and mild salsa all in a bun for easy eating on the go."

That's right, 7-Eleven and Oscar Mayer have joined forces to squeeze breakfast into a hot dog.  Why didn't someone think of this sooner?

At this point, the only other thing left for 7-Eleven to do is to boldly venture into the final frontier of meals: Dinner.

For its next trick everyone's favorite convenience store should try it's hand at squeezing a juicy prime rib, garlic mashed potatoes and mixed veggies into a hot dog.

There's a whole world of possibilities awaiting the evil geniuses at 7-Eleven's product development lab.

Why not jam Italian food into a hot dog by stuffing spaghetti with meatballs, garlic bread and a spring salad into a tube?

For that matter, why not try Chinese food?  There's nothing stopping 7-Eleven from finding some way to serve sweet and sour pork with steamed rice and a couple of pot stickers in sausage form.

At this point it seems like there's nothing they can't transform into a hot dog.

I can't wait to see what 7-Eleven does next.

I am an F-B-I agent!

I'm ready for my closeup. 

It's time to pack my bags, head to L.A. and take my shot at being Johnny Utah.

There's really no good explanation for this, but I got bored this afternoon and Googled "Point Break," the Keanu Reeves/Patrick Swayze/Gary Busey classic about an FBI agent chasing a band of bank-robbing surfers. 

My boredom paid off when I stumbled across Point Break Live (http://www.myspace.com/pointbreaklive) which is playing out at The Dragonfly at Los Angeles.

If I can hunt down a performance of Dirty Dancing Live or Roadhouse Live I can take a shot at doing my best Patrick Swayze impression while telling a captive audience everything from "Nobody puts baby in a corner" to "Pain don't hurt."

Point Break Live is "the absurdist stage adaptation" of the groundbreaking film where the part of Johnny Utah is cast from the audience at every performance.

So this is finally my chance to be Johnny Utah, the former college football star/FBI agent/surfer.

You can get an up-close and personal look at the show at http://tv.boingboing.net/2008/02/04/point-break-and-hear.html.

For my money, it's totally worth driving all the way down to Southern California for a shot at getting up on stage and saying, "Bodhi, this is your fucking wake-up call man. I am an F-B-I agent!"

I’m learning to love the clutter

I've caught several episodes of the Style network's "Clean House" (http://www.mystyle.com/mystyle/shows/cleanhouse/index.jsp) over the past few weeks and, like most people, my first reaction when I tune in is "What a disgusting mess!  Boy, am I glad I'm not those pathetic people."

For anyone who isn't familiar with the show, the whole gimmick is that the annoyingly cheerful cast of "Clean House" shows up to help a sad sack family transform their home from a nightmarishly cluttered wreck into an organized, well-designed dream home by selling or throwing out all the junk.

But as the weeks have passed a new reality has set in: My house is a disgusting mess and I am those pathetic people!

Their clutter is my clutter.  Their disheveled home is my disheveled home.  Their disgrace is my disgrace.

Slowly but surely our house has become more and more cluttered.  It's happened before and my wife and I usually dig ourselves out from under the mess.

In fact, we've been trying to do that this week.

But it hit me as I was watching "Clean House" the other night that taking responsibility for the trash around the house and cleaning it up just isn't the right thing to do.

"Clean House" is there to save you if you don't make any attempt to keep your home presentable in much the same way that the government is there so save you with a bailout if you can't keep your big business in order.

We shouldn't fight the filthy clutter in our house anymore, we should just roll with it.

Embrace the clutter, let it take over our home, let it dominate our lives until everything is so shamefully out of control that the hyperactive cast of "Clean House" shows up at our doorstep to lend a hand, throw money at the problem and give us a house that's better than anything we could possibly imagine.

Taking responsibility and ownership for your own mess just isn't the American way anymore so I'm going to stop stressing out about what a dump our house is.

Why should I clean my own home?  That's just crazy.

It's about time I relaxed a little bit.

The time has come for me to kick up my heels, wait for the doorbell to ring and let the cast of "Clean House" work their magic and save me from myself.

Playing catchup

This is rapidly morphing from The World's Greatest Blog into The World's Laziest Blog.

It's been a hectic few weeks and I've been so busy trying to catch up around the house and at work that I haven't had a lot of free time to dive into the so-called blogosphere.

I'll admit that the 49ers seemed to show some heart in the 29-24 loss to the Cardinals in Arizona on Monday night but they sure didn't show any brains.

Quarterback Shaun Hill's turnovers, including a senseless shuttle pass to the Cardinals' secondary in the fourth quarter, and horrible play calling in the final seconds doomed San Francisco to its sixth loss in a row.

Coaches Mike Singletary and Mike Martz have taken turns taking the blame for the confusion at the end of the game when the 49ers were in the red zone with a shot to win, but the bottom line is that incompetence has become the 49ers' calling card.

As usual, I have high hopes for the rest of the season tempered by realistic expectations of complete and utter futility.

* WHERE'S MY TIME?:  The holidays are rapidly approaching and my free time is flying out the door.

I just sized up my calendar for the rest of the year and there are only a couple of weekends that are wide open.

It's awesome to have the opportunity to spend so much time with friends and family but it'll be an interesting trick to see when I can squeeze in Christmas shopping and taking care of business around the house.

Finding time to buy gifts would probably be a good idea between now and Dec. 25.

* WHERE'S MY MONEY?:  Companies are dropping left and right as the economy continues to sink like a rock and the government keeps on shelling out billions of dollars in bailouts.

I want a piece of that action.

Why have I been wasting my time responsibly working around a household budget when Uncle Sam is dying to throw good money after bad?

I'm ready for someone to bail me out!

* HOLLIDAY, CELEBRATE!: It probably goes without saying that I love Oakland's trade for Colorado slugger Matt Holliday, even if it is just a rental until the trade deadline or the end of the season.

Huston Street, Greg Smith and Carlos Gonzalez are on their way to the Rockies and the A's won't really miss any of them.

Street lost his job as closer and wasn't going to get it back and Smith was eventually going to be pushed out of the rotation by blue-chip pitching prospects Trevor Cahill and Brett Anderson.

Gonzalez is the only guy the A's may regret trading but the risk isn't great enough to pass on a chance to get Holliday into the lineup.

If Holliday ends up being shipped out of Oakland at the deadline, he's a bigger bargaining chip than Street, Smith and Gonzalez.  If he sticks around all year and Oakland takes its high draft picks as compensation then that works out just fine as well.

Former A's Nick Swisher and Joe Blanton were free agent compensation picks which shows there's no reason for the A's to trade Holliday unless they get an offer then can't refuse.

It'll be fun to see what A's general manager does between now and Opening Day to add even more punch to the lineup.

I miss you Overstock.com girl

Where have you gone Sabine Ehrenfeld?

There was a time, not too long ago, when sweet, sweet Sabine filled Overstock.com commercials with so much raw sexuality that what she was selling didn't matter … which is the way it should be, right?

Sex sells, pure and simple.  In fact, more often than not, the sex seems to matter more than the actual product.

But now Sabine is gone.  Vanished.  Out of my apathetic couch potato life forever.

Worst of all, Sabine has been replaced in the Overstock.com commercials by some horrible, sappy, twangy country music duo called Joey + Rory.  What gives?

According to Overstock.com "this husband and wife singing duo from Tennessee, featured in our new 'At Home With The O' campaign, are a true one-of-a-kind pair. Their honest and humble approach to life and love is evident in everything they do. We are proud to welcome Joey and Rory to the Overstock family and honored to be a new part of theirs."

As the saying goes, I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

You can watch the agonizingly annoying Joey + Rory commercials at http://www.overstock.com/13978/static.html.

According to an Associated Press article Toyota's "Saved by Zero" TV commercial is driving viewers up the wall (http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5gLHlYbnhuANpXVn0z3MntM1retcAD948UTAO0) but for my money Joey + Rory are far more unbearable.

Every time that damn Joey + Rory Overstock.com comes on the I just want to pull an Elvis and shoot the TV with my foam dart shotgun (That's right, I have a foam dart shotgun).

Come back to us Sabine, we need you.

No, I can’t

Concession time has finally arrived. The presidential election is over and I lost.

My write-in bid for the top spot came up just a little bit short … more than 62 million votes short, but who’s counting?

Sometimes one man, one vote doesn’t get you very far in this country.

Election night was a snooze-fest, as expected. A badly-run McCain campaign was crushed in the Electoral College by Barack Obama’s well-oiled machine, 349-147. The popular vote was closer at 52 percent to 46 percent in favor of Obama.

But in the big game no one keeps score by the popular vote. It’s kind of like getting blown out in the Super Bowl but playing up the fact that you were kind of close in time of possession.

To say the least, the odds were always stacked against the Republican candidate in this presidential election.

The Bush administration was an anchor around McCain’s neck and the economic meltdown and Sarah Palin’s ditzy babbling on national television didn’t do the old man any good. She basically ended up being Dan Quayle in high heels.

On top of all that, McCain ran a terrible campaign that seemed to play up a new muddled message every week.

Pre-election polls and projected electoral maps were so consistently lopsided that after a while it started to look like the Democrats could replace Barack Obama with Michael Dukakis at the top of the ticket and still run away with the election.

Good luck to President Obama, who just made history, inspired millions around the world and closed it all out with an eloquent acceptance speech in Chicago.

But election night is always a time for hope and inspirational words and Obama’s a truly gifted public speaker. Once the dust settles on this election and Tuesday night’s speech is just a YouTube clip we’ll see if Obama can rise above the moment and make good on his bold talk of bipartisanship.

There’s certainly scant evidence in his voting record and past associations to indicate he’s close enough to the center of the political spectrum to reach across the aisle. And there’s absolutely no motivation to work with Republicans with Democrats firmly in charge of Congress.

I seriously doubt that Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Co. are viewing these election results as a reason to work with Republicans.

With history as a guide, the audacity of reality is that Washington seemingly never fails to sink into poisonous, selfish, partisan bickering and there’s no fact-based reason to believe that’s going to end anytime soon regardless of who’s in the White House.

Hopefully that can change but for now it’s just all talk.

* BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID: I mentioned the other day how annoying it was to see parents using their kids to push their politics at rallies for and against Prop. 8.

Here’s something even scarier: A “What Would Obama Do?” baby onesie (http://www.babywit.com/wwod-natural-baby-p-BPOL.html).

If people on the far right cling to bibles and guns I guess some people on the far left cling to Obama and trees.

Seeing stuff like this makes me feel less guilty about the likelihood that I’ll wrap my kid in A’s clothes one of these days.

An A’s onesie seems perfectly harmless compared to a “WWOD?” outfit.

* WHERE DID MY PRESIDENTIAL BID GO WRONG?: Like John McCain, Bob Barr, Alan Keyes and Ralph Nader all I can do today is sift through the wreckage of a failed run for the White House.

I really thought I had all the elements to shine on the national stage.

Like McCain, I annoy enough of my own friends to be considered a maverick.

Like Obama, I love to talk and talk and talk and I don’t have a deep resume that clearly makes me qualified to be president.

Like Joe Biden and Sarah Palin, I often say incredibly stupid things that leave people wondering whether I’m kidding or just painfully slow.

None of it added up to a groundswell of support or one dime of campaign contributions.

All I can do now is bide my time for four years.

See you on election day in 2012.